Repello Muggletum

Well I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant, and very restless. I had hoped that little Alaina would come by now, but I guess she’s not ready yet. She sure is making me anxious.

So I’m just sitting here, thinking about random things…like the color of her skin, for instance. She’ll be biracial- I’m white and her father is black. Sometimes when I think about it, I get really scared that she’ll be bullied growing up, or have some ignorant asshole call her a racial slur. It sucks that there are still people out there who are unwilling to accept the ‘mixing’ of races, and I just pray to God that if she ever encounters any of them, she’ll either be too young to understand or she’ll be smart enough to punch them in their ugly faces.

And I hope that she doesn’t have an identity crisis, like many biracial and multiracial children do. I want her to feel comfortable with her ‘white’ family as much as her ‘black’ family. I want her to know that it’s perfectly okay to be two races, instead of just one. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t connect with one side of her identity. I’m scared that, despite my hardest efforts, she might not ever be able to accept herself for who she is. I know there will be a day when she looks at me and says, “Mommy, why am I a different color than you?” And I’ll just have to hope that she is OKAY with being a different color than me… That she can see that being part of Mommy’s color and part of Daddy’s color is beautiful. Because I know she’ll be beautiful. <3

Plus-size and pregnant.. it’s a topic that not many people feel comfortable discussing, especially with someone who IS plus-size and pregnant. But I am in the mood to discuss talk your ear off.

I’m currently 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I also happen to be plus size. Always have been, probably always will be. And I have to tell you, my pregnancy so far has been a breeze! I don’t know whether it has anything to do with my size, my overall good health, or because my wide hips were made for bearing children, but I have truly loved being pregnant so far. No morning sickness… no nausea… no huge food aversions… mild fatigue, manageable cravings, and heartburn that can be cured with a few tums. I’d say I’ve been relatively lucky compared to many women. So, why is it that every time I go to the doctors, they seem shocked to hear that I have had no complications? They always stare at the blood pressure cuff in confusion when they see that my BP is right where it should be. And there was no mistaking the surprised, slightly impressed tone of my doctor’s voice when she told me my blood sugar levels were actually perfect.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m big, I should have all these problems? I’ve been big forever, but I’ve always been healthy. I’ve always been able to keep up with everyone else. I realize that some large women DO have complications and sometimes are at a greater risk for gestational diabetes or other things, but so are thin women! In fact, I know more skinny women who have had problems during pregnancy than bigger women. On the plus side, my doctor hasn’t even mentioned my weight once. I don’t know if she’s scared I’ll break down crying (which I probably would), or if she’s just hoping I’ll take it upon myself to stay healthy, but I’m not complaining. I know from the internet/other women that bigger gals are only ‘supposed’ to gain 15-20lbs, while average-sized women are supposed to gain 25-30. Um… ok. Seems fair, except not. They have a list that adds up the weight of everything inside you, such as baby, placenta, etc… and somehow it adds up to 30. What on earth is lacking inside your uterus if you only gain 15 pounds?? lol I guess big girls’ fat just redistributes or something. Whatever. I’m doing my best at maintaining a steady weight gain, and so far I think I’m doing pretty swell. If during this pregnancy I exceed 20 lbs, then SO WHAT. I have heard horror stories from some of the girls I talk to on various forums about how their doctors constantly harp on them for their weight and how much they’re gaining. Give a bitch a break, ok? Just because they’re big doesn’t mean they’re binging on sweets and chips. Maybe they’re retaining water, or maybe they ate too many carrots. Who knows. I just think that as long as a woman is attempting to make healthy choices, let her deal with how much she is gaining. No pregnant woman needs a doctor, among every else, telling her she’s too fat. Yes, it’s true that my doctor hasn’t mentioned it, but at the same time… I know she’s judging.

And it’s not just at the doctor’s office, either. I feel so judged when I go out in public, as if everyone is thinking, ‘Wow, that fat pregnant girl should NOT be eating that sandwich!’ Even at home, I feel guilty after everything I eat. Pregnancy has gone from ‘eating for two’ and a time when you could indulge your cravings, to a strict ‘eat-this, not-that’ diet. It’s incredibly annoying. Basically, a normal, thin pregnant women can eat all the junk she wants and people think she’s cute for gaining some chub, but a big girl like me can’t eat a piece of chocolate cake without people shaking their heads and telling me that I should be eating better. Leave. Me. Alone! I’m pretty sure that piece of chocolate cake isn’t going to kill me OR the baby. In fact, maybe I’ll have two slices, just to spite you!

Aside from being made to feel fat and ashamed of eating, there ARE a few pros of being a chubster with a bun in the ov. For instance… I have hated my body my whole entire life. Although I’ve never had a large stomach, my humongous hips and legs have always made me self-conscious. My small waist- something I’ve always been grateful for- is practically non-existent now and guess what? I love it! I am more comfortable in my body now more than ever. This big bump that has taken over my stomach makes me feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt. I feel like the definition of femininity and fertility. Sure, my bump didn’t look like a pregnant one until halfway through my pregnancy, but it’s a small price to pay to finally be okay with my body. As of right now, I’m not even going to worry about how horrible I will probably look after popping the little one out!

Another con, though- maternity clothes. This is a subject I don’t even want to get into (but clearly I’m still going to). Really, every-store-in-the-world, you don’t carry above a size 12? Don’t you realize how obese our country is? Start catering to the big bitches like me! It’s so frustrating having to buy maternity clothes solely online because they only carry ‘normal’ sizes in the stores. How am I supposed to know what is going to fit? They say to ‘order your pre-pregnancy size’ but let’s be honest… most places don’t even carry THAT size. So, again, the dilemma continues. Thank god I found some jeans that fit me at a consignment shop… there is no way I’m going to pay $50+ for a pair of jeans that I’ll only be wearing for 3 months. Good try though, Motherhood Maternity, and other places that charge an arm and a leg as punishment for being fat.

I have been lucky, though, and so I shouldn’t complain. I have a healthy baby girl inside of me, I’m healthy and doing good, and my boyfriend and I are closer than ever thanks to this experience. I just needed to rant. Thanks! And to all you plus-size, pregnant ladies out there: you’re beautiful, and don’t let anyone bring you down!